True to Yourself Podcast 26: How to Control Anger Issues for Healthier Relationships with Ananta Ripa Ajmera
Many people want to know how to control anger issues as a self transformation project goal for finding the inner peace they seek and to have healthier relationships.
For those of us who are empaths, we may not feel comfortable even acknowledging that we ever get angry, or feel it's not acceptable to experience anger. But we can still experience resentments that build up from time to time when we give our all to others who don't reciprocate our love and care, or worse, betray us.
No matter what your current relationship to anger is, it is really important, on the spiritual path, to start to befriend this emotion, and to learn from all the many things it has to inform us about how to embody our true essence.
In this episode, you will learn a self-love and self care strategy that will not only help you with how to control anger issues, but also even serve as a catalyst for your entire spiritual growth journey and ability to form healthier relationships.
The key to all of this is the self discovery process anger can lead you on to learn more about who you truly are, which will, in turn support you to more fully embody your true essence. When you are true to yourself, you are in the best position possible to form healthier relationships with others.
When seen in a positive light, we can understand the gift that anger has to offer us to ignite our personal spiritual growth transformation process and create healthier relationships in our lives in powerful ways that could never be possible without its presence.
Resources:
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TRANSCRIPTION
Episode 26: How to Control Anger Issues for Healthier Relationships with Ananta Ripa Ajmera
[00:00:00] Namaste and welcome back to the True to Yourself Podcast, a place where we explore the power of authentic living. I am your host, Ananta Ripa Ajmera. Today we're going to talk about how to control anger issues and to practice self-love. Chances are, if you're an empath or female identifying, you may even initially think, “oh, actually I don't have anger issues.
[00:00:31] I don't express anger. I'm not an angry person,” because these are all the things that we're told are not socially acceptable. It's not okay to get upset about something. It's not okay to have a different opinion. It's not okay to be angry or to feel rage or frustration. We're conditioned to act as though everything is okay and it's all right and no problem and to be easygoing and
[00:00:58] go with the flow for whatever happens. In life, however, all of our emotions are really important to us on the spiritual path. All of our emotions are there for a reason. They're there to awaken us in some way. They're there to really inform us about what is happening within and around us in our lives. If we don't have a healthy relationship with anger, it's going to be really difficult to set the kind of boundaries that we need to set to really live a healthy and happy life and to be able to be of service
[00:01:37] to people in a beautiful and harmonious way long term. When we are empaths and often female identifying people, as well, we tend to give and to give and to give. And this can create a lot of resentment within us when our efforts at giving and supporting other people are not coming back to us and are not being reciprocated.
[00:02:03] We may not call it anger. We may not call it rage, but there is this low grade resentment that can easily build up, and whatever flavor this emotion of anger takes, it's really, really important. to work with it and to harness it in a powerful way to be able to have it lift us even higher on our spiritual journey. Anger can actually be a really useful and helpful fire of transformation to be able to propel us to come into a greater relationship with our own higher Self and ultimately to really be true to our self.
[00:02:46] It's often when we feel angry about something, whether it's within our self for something that we did or didn't do, or with someone else, that we get a spark for something to actually change, and to ignite. We don't get spiritual transformation just because we have a casual thought about it.
[00:03:08] We experience spiritual transformation in our lives because we will it into existence. We actually ignite a fire within us that sustains us to take all of the many actions it takes to be able to create and invite lasting change in our lives. I have, therefore, put together a three-step process that I want to share with you today about how to really work with this energy of anger, to be able to practice self-love, and ultimately, to get to know yourself better. To know your needs, to know what drives you and to be able to practice letting go of getting what you're looking for in a traditional sense, to be able to receive even more than you ever may have even thought possible.
[00:04:04] Stay with me if this doesn't sound like it even makes sense, because I promise by the end, it will. The first way I recommend to control anger is to not even think about controlling it! I believe that we need to digest our anger. We need to digest all of our life's emotions. We cannot control them necessarily, because the risk of controlling any kind of emotion is suppressing, that is, burying it deeper down within us, to the point where it becomes so uncontrollable that we tend to explode or implode. What we would like to do, instead, with the wisdom of Ayurveda, which teaches us that digestion is the key to overall health, is to actually ignite the fire of transformation to digest our emotions.
[00:05:07] And what this means is really learning from our emotions and really allowing our emotions to serve as the initial catalyst for a deeper process of inner discovery, and ultimately, outer transformation that results from going deep within and really rewiring some of our internal scripts. So here's how we'll do it.
[00:05:33] First of all, it is really helpful to give yourself permission to feel this big emotion. This step itself may be the hardest of all, because if we have so much conditioning in our lives from our families, society, friends, peers, uncles and aunts, we may believe that it is not okay to have this emotion and just the idea of creating the space to feel that fire may not even be possible or accessible.
[00:06:08] So first of all, if this is you, I would recommend just putting the intention out there into the universe. For me, it really helps to write it down. I will write down. I give myself permission to feel whatever anger needs to arise within me.
[00:06:26] And then I might put it away and go on with my life and just find that by setting the intention in writing, it does create that space. Giving ourselves some time in silence to access that inner space to be able to feel whatever got buried beneath the surface helps a lot. So does even asking ourselves certain questions, such as what we do in our Circle of Life Spiritual Membership Community, in our Power of Practice Circles and our Writing Circles. Writing really helps to go deeper into determining what's
[00:06:58] at the root of how we feel, and to identify the emotions that we need to feel in order to heal. If you already have a feeling of that fire, heat and intensity within your body, and within your heart, then it's actually really helpful to allow that to have some kind of an expression. Because if it's there, it's looking to be acknowledged, and it may need to be fully embodied in order for you to be able to work with this energy to be able to allow its energy to unfold and to then be able to move into more constructive outlets.
[00:07:39] It is really helpful, I feel, and in my experience, to be able to exercise, in whatever way works best for you. You could do martial arts. I like to do martial arts and actually kick and punch and do all kinds of physical exercises to really feel that fully embodied anger in a constructive way. And in a controlled way, because in martial arts, we're trained to harness this energy in a sacred way, and to never use it to harm another, nor certainly not to harm ourselves.
[00:08:14] We feel that fire. We feel the power that anger can give us if it is matched with wisdom to be able to allow its full power and its full magic to arise. A lot of great movements in society and a lot of social change was actually catalyzed by the fire of anger. So we can use this anger in a positive way.
[00:08:41] We can use it in a constructive way. We can use it as momentum to be able to propel us to make individual changes, to make personal changes, to make family changes, to make relationship changes, and then to even make changes that ripple out into the world around us. It can be very, very empowering, therefore, to work with this power.
[00:09:03] If you don't prefer martial arts, then you could also try doing breath of firem or Kapalabhati breathing exercise. I'll show you how to do it in the next podcast, when we'll go through actual practices to be able to transform anger into power. On this episode, however, I just invite you, if you have an embodiment practice, to be able to practice it.
[00:09:33] If you need to punch a pillow, if you need to scream really loudly, I would encourage you to do that. You can try to go somewhere a little more remote, perhaps, to do that. You can do it in your car, you can do it in nature, in the woods, in your bedroom. You can close the door when no one is there and just let your anger out through your voice.
[00:09:54] Sometimes it even helps if you have some kind of physical objects, to throw them, to be able to fully act out the rage in a way that doesn't hurt anything that's important to you. You have to kind of procure your objects a little bit cautiously, but I've done this before, where I literally took things in the room and I threw them.
[00:10:17] No one else was there. That's important that you do this by yourself, and it is a good experience to just let it all out. What often will follow this expression of anger is going deeper into the sadness and the grief that's underlying anger. And that will actually also lead us into the next step of this process, which is to make a list of what exactly upsets you.
[00:10:46] Make a full out list of all the things that are really bothering you about what you did and said or didn't do or say or what perhaps someone else said or did or didn't do. List it all out and really don't hold back on this and give it all the attention it deserves, because you deserve it, and because you're worth it.
[00:11:11] And once you see what's on that list of things that upset you, then it's important to really look into each one and ask yourself, what is the hidden desire that's driving this thing that upset me? Because there is always underlying every experience of anger, an internal desire for something or a need for something that did not get fulfilled.
[00:11:42] that is looking to be fulfilled. What we get to do as we grow up spiritually on our spiritual journeys is start to actually be the one to fulfill that need. We start to be the one to show up for ourselves and to really be there for ourselves in a way that we may have before wished someone else would have been. Or if we wish that we would have been there for our self more, then we have a chance in every second to be able to have a new beginning with our relationship to our self, to really be true to our self and to experience and express our true essence.
[00:12:21] When we can look at this list and really go to the root cause of each and every item on the list and identify what need was not met by the thing that made us angry, this will really help us to be able to know how to start to meet those needs, which is the third step of the process. Once we've identified that, okay, I am really angry with myself, for example, for not having exercised in the past and not being in shape, then we could look at that and say, what is the need or desire underlying that?
[00:13:07] The need underlying being upset with not exercising or being in shape could be a health related need. We need to do this activity in order to feel our best in our body and to be able to serve as an instrument for service, to be able to show up in all of the ways that we're looking to show up in our lives and to be able to fulfill whatever it is we feel called to fulfill in our existence.
[00:13:37] That's a pretty big deal. That's a pretty big, biological need that we have for our health, which is also the foundation of our spiritual journey. Therefore, when we look at something like that, it is a need that is rooted in our overall wellbeing. When we know that, then we can start to make a plan for how to ensure that we're going to give ourselves enough time in our day to be able to make space for exercise.
[00:14:10] It really helps, in the third step of making a plan to fulfill all our needs and desires that come up, to really be thoughtful and consider what will we need to shift around in our schedule, in our day-to-day activities, in our priorities, to be able to allow space to take care of whatever it is that is upsetting us.
[00:14:35] Is it a matter of carving out time to be by yourself? Is it a matter of maybe waking up earlier to be able to do so? What it is you determine in this exercise. Is it maybe asking for help with child care that will give you the space to be able to do this? There are all kinds of revelations that can arise when we ask ourselves these questions.
[00:15:01] In this way, we can meet our emotions with a sense of curiosity and a willingness to also dig deep. If we are upset on our list about something someone else said, that maybe was putting their need or their desire for something onto us and putting their expectations onto us, then what is it that actually upsets us about them doing what they're doing?
[00:15:30] It won't be that we're just upset about that. It's going to be that we're upset that this other person has an expectation for us because somewhere within there's an internal conflict about whether we believe it's our duty to meet everyone else's expectations, or if we are really anchored and rooted in our intention to be true to our self.
[00:15:58] When we have this clarity, we're going to be able to look even deeper and determine if it is a desire for the approval of the other or for the harmony of the relationship that's driving this anger? Because what they're expecting of me is not aligned with my internal compass for what I believe and what my values are in life.
[00:16:24] That's a really deep discovery, and that discovery can then lead to what is it that I need to do to fulfill and be true to my own values, and getting really clear on that. From that clarity, we can create a plan to be able to state what our values are and what we are doing action-wise in order to be true to those values.
[00:16:50] We have to stand for whatever it is we believe in. The anger that we feel at being told to follow someone else's agenda is actually cueing us into what we need to stand up for in order to really be true to our self and to uphold what we may consider as dharma, which is the greatest good of all. If our values are dharmic, if they are rooted in what is for the greatest good of all, then we are going to need to learn, on the spiritual path, how to stand up for that in every action, and in every interaction.
[00:17:27] But it doesn't start with having a conflict with the other. It starts by really understanding all of the layers of the self that are going to unfold in this process of going deep into what is it that is really upsetting us about what someone else did or said or didn't do or didn't say. If someone wasn't there for us in the way that we had hoped they would be or expected that they would be, then it is showing us that we have a feeling of being abandoned, that we have a feeling that nobody cares about me, and that I'm unlovable.
[00:18:08] That's actually the more vulnerable truth underneath the initial trigger of anger. If that's the case, then the plan will need to be to figure out: how do I start to be here for myself in all the ways I feel someone else should have been there for me? How do I become my own best parent? How do I become my own best partner?
[00:18:34] Only when we can be for our own selves what we need and what we look for from other people can other people then match our behaviors when they wish to step up and really be there for us themselves. We set the standard for all our relationships through our main primary relationship in life, which is with our own true Self and our true essence.
[00:19:01] Therefore, developing this relationship with yourself, with the gift of anger, with the information that anger is going to give you, is actually a really helpful exercise in knowing thyself. When you know thyself, then you're going to know how to be true to yourself in all of your relationships.
[00:19:23] So every relationship ultimately is rooted in your relationship with you, and you can deepen this relationship through really befriending and digesting your emotions. You can do this for any emotion. I'm teaching you right now how to work with and befriend anger. Previously on the podcast, I have recorded an episode about how to channel sadness into creativity.
[00:19:48] A lot of really, really deep and beautiful writing, poetry, books, music, dance, and art comes from really deep sorrow and really deep sadness and pain that the artist learned to transmute into beauty. Whether it's sadness or whether it's anger, strong emotion is a fire that can catalyze a process of change and a process of growth and evolution. It's all for our ultimate unfoldment.
[00:20:21] It's all for our discovery and embodiment. This is really exciting news, because this means that we no longer need to fear our anger. We no longer need to suppress our anger, to shame ourselves for having this emotion, or for feeling like we can't even connect with it. We can actually embrace it.
[00:20:45] We can actually befriend it. We can actually learn a lot from it about our own self and about what's really important to us in life. Whenever you're stuck, lost, or confused, your values are always going to be your anchor on your path. It really helps to take any emotions that come up as a cue for what is really important to you on your spiritual journey.
[00:21:15] What are those core values that are really going to anchor you through the storms of life? If spirituality, for example, is your main value, like it is my main value, then I'm going to take every experience of life: positive, negative, dark, or light, as fuel for how to experience and deepen my own spirituality.
[00:21:43] This is the best way that I have found to approach any difficult situation in life, and I've faced many difficult situations. I've had many people betray me, for example, and it always cued me into... How can I be there for myself like I never have before? And the more I'm there for me, the more I know how to be true to myself, and the more I find that the people who then come into my life are more authentic within themselves and more trustworthy.
[00:22:15] And I feel that I can trust them because, first of all, I've learned to trust myself, and it all just goes back to that same thing: that the best foundation for any relationship with another being is having a really clear, healthy, happy, and amazing relationship with your own self. I know it can feel really lonely at times to be able to create enough time and space to even ask ourselves these questions and to start to get to know who it is we really are.
[00:22:47] But any time that we can carve out to really get to know ourselves, to date ourselves, to love ourselves, is going to help us so, so much to feel anchored, no matter what happens in our relationships with other people. Our relationships are the place where we experience maximum pleasure and maximum pain as human beings.
[00:23:16] We are going to be a lot better prepared for the inevitable ups and downs that happen in relationships when we are anchored within our own selves. We can never control what anyone else does or says. We can always only control our self, and we can only control our self when we've first understood ourselves, when we have digested everything about our lives and our emotions. We have to process our emotions, take in what's helpful and what's valuable information from them, and then be able to put our emotions into creating something way beyond what we could have ever imagined.
[00:23:55] Writing my book, The Way of the Goddess, for example, was my way of personally understanding myself and what I value as a teacher, after having gotten really badly betrayed by teachers in the past. It was my way of really channeling the sadness and grief that I had at the loss of these relationships into something that could be really spiritually uplifting for myself, and then be of service to other people.
[00:24:24] It was a way to not drown in the ocean of emotion, but rather to rise as a sovereign being who can actually embrace every feeling in life as an incredible teacher and as an incredible way shower of the path that's ultimately going to lead me home, to my own truest essence. This is what it means to be on a spiritual journey of transformation.
[00:24:55] And this is why, in the Vedic spiritual tradition, all the gods and goddesses are equipped with so many weapons. Because we have to be able to wield these weapons of questioning, of discovery, of feeling everything. And it's hard. It's a battle. It's difficult. It's going to bring up a lot of stuff. But we have to be strong
[00:25:16] to fight these battles, to really know who we are and to embody that and to be that in all situations in life. Once we have really befriended and mastered all of our emotions for all that they have to teach and reveal to us, then we're no longer going to get taken over by life's seas and storms. We are going to be strong and learn how to be happy, no matter what, because the truth is that the only way to really be happy is to find happiness within yourself.
[00:25:52] “It is difficult to find happiness within oneself, but it's impossible to find it anywhere else. That’s a quote from a philosopher, whose name I believe is Arthur Schopenhauer, but I will check and confirm that in the show notes for you. It's a really, really important wisdom to be able to understand and to live by.
[00:26:16] If you've enjoyed this episode, I really encourage you to subscribe to this show to be able to receive notifications of all of the latest episodes getting released. We'll have a lot more practices that you can do in the next episode to support you on your path of digesting and transforming your emotions of anger and confusion also into spiritual power and spiritual transformation.
[00:26:47] So you don't want to miss it, because it's going to really support you to take these processes, frameworks, and steps and then be able to include more tangible, hands-on practices with them to be able to further your ability to really be a spiritual warrior. I encourage you to also check out my book if you're interested to dive deeper into my nine-step framework of spiritual transformation and growth.
[00:27:16] It's called The Way of the Goddess. You can check it out at theancientway.co/wayofthegoddess. We also have a really wonderful 14-day free trial of our Circle of Life Spiritual Membership Community, where we give you access to a whole library of incredible practices, processes, visualizations, and creative exercises you can do to really master your emotions and free the power of your most authentic healing expression.
[00:27:46] We are all about medicinal storytelling and changing our own personal narratives and stories to be able to change the experience of life that we have and then to be able to gift to the world something that is so healing that it will not only heal ourself, but then be a gift for others on their journey of healing and growth, as well.
[00:28:11] We're all about the reciprocal effect of healing and really paying forward whatever blessings we receive on our spiritual wellness journey in community, so that there isn't this feeling of, I'm the only one who feels this way. We all feel all emotions, and we all are needing to know that it's healthy to feel these emotions. When we can experience them together, when we can talk about them together, we can harness the discoveries they have for us together, and
[00:28:44] we tend to feel a lot less alone, a lot more supported, and therefore a lot stronger on our spiritual path. So I encourage you to check it out theancientway.co/community. Looking forward to connecting with you next time. Thank you so much for joining me on the True to Yourself Podcast, a place where we explore the power of authentic living.
[00:29:08] Namaste.